This is me drawing and painting a parrot drinking a margarita because t‑shirt shops want to know I am a classy guy with marketable skills and I am up on the cool pop culture imagery.
This is a collection of illustrations that I did for UGA athletics over about a three year period. I did Uga twice, Hairy Dawg and Kirby Smart. I spent the prime years of my working life trying to become a professional illustrator. It is the platonic perfect form of putting all of your eggs in one basket. It made me ignore working on a career that would pay my bills and made me impoverished for a decade. One thing positive it did is teach me to focus like a surgeon and work very hard to try and scratch out a living. So over the past two months I have been making a graphic design portfolio to try and get an actual 9 to 5 job. If you are wondering what the gaping hole in the middle of my career is — it is a failed illustration career.
This is a painting of Henry Rollins. I have been a punk music fan for a long time. I learned about bands like black flag, wire, fugazi and the stooges when I first became interested in nirvana in the 90s. Punk is about rebellion and anger. It is cool when it isn’t about hatred. Rollins has been on Rogan’s podcast like two times now and he is a smart and interesting guy. He and Rogan are basically the same person. It is cool how the web lets you hear how amazing people think and process the world live without filters and with no time limits.
This is a happy red crab with white polka dots. He lives on the bottom of the ocean and he crabs around gobbling up spoiled food people threw into the english channel — singing tunes from the little mermaid. When he eats he makes snibity snab noises.
This is a monster under Timmy’s bed. He is waiting patiently for an unsuspecting house cat to jump down without looking so he can gobble him up. He is a transparent green slime monster with red eyes and lots of pointy teeth.
This is an illustration of Eustace Tilley for the Newyorker. He is their dandy intellectual mascot with a monocle and a butterfly bro.
Vampire bat cartoon for Halloween. Vampire bats are hipsters. They only come out at night and they hang from their toes when they sleep.
This is a caticorn being ridden by Takashi Murakami. He is a famous Japanese pop artist who works in New York. This caticorn has a rainbow tail and blue eyes. He bounds through space and over rainbow nebulae — spiriting Takashi away into dreamland every night.
This is an inquisitive green monster with big blue eyes and a blue visor. He is holding his favorite kitty next to him.
This is a spot illustration of a Koi with lily pads. He is eating algae off the sides of the forcefield that is holding reality up. He sometimes thinks he sees giant two legged monsters on the other side watching him.
This is deadpool with snazzy unicorn bedroom slippers. I always found it ironic that the most hated artist in comic book history also created the coolest superhero ever. He is smart and funny and self aware and he makes fun of comics and all of the characters, tropes, ideas and gimmics in them.
This is a chubby Geisha who got fat eating sushi flavored ice-cream and cotton candy ramen noodles. She plays Mario sunshine and drinks screw top wine.
This is a Chicago police officer. Schools should do a better job of teaching kids how to interact with cops. If you are friendly and respectful cops are some of the best friends you could ever have. The secret is to do what they say and if you have a disagreement — do it in court. Never challenge a police officer because it will end with you getting cracked over the head.
This is an illustration of a cute gray kitty with a bell collar around his neck. I love kitties. They are domesticated but they have a wild streak inside them. It is cool to watch their predator instincts kick in when they are hunting a tiny bug or lizard. They go into a hyper cute ninja mode that is a remnant of their lion ancestors. Bells are like a kitty alarm system to protect our songbird buddies from being eaten. This is one of my favorite animals.
This is a smiling peach illustration from Peach county. He reminds me of going to get peach ice cream with my grandma when it was 100 degrees outside and the humidity was 100 percent. I remember giant puffy white clouds stretching up to 50 thousand feet, benzos, ice cold car air conditioners and driving about 30 miles per hour in a 55 zone. My grandma despised me for being younger and more intelligent than she was. I used to listen to lectures on the bible just to school her on subjects she thought she was an expert on. BTW the Septuagint is the earliest Greek translation of the Hebrew scriptures known as the Torah. You have to know this to argue with my grandma.
This is a purple monster with four arms and rainbow colored teeth. He is at peace with his ugliness. He takes Benadryl to sleep. Sometimes when he takes more than four he gets tiny yellow birds that land on him and chirp mysterious code like bird song.
A baby is a happy little monster who grunts and drools and makes strange bodily noises. They live to be loved and taken care of. Here is bubbles without the bubbles.
I love when fat people ride scooters. The contrast in size is shocking and funny. This guy’s name is Roscoe. His street name is Big Love. He is a dedicated Broni who rides his vespa scooter to the laundromat to pickup homeless chicks. He gets disability and he woos the ladies with his designer shoes and name brand laundry detergent.
This is an old Macintosh computer. It represents how prospective employers see me. I think they are too intellectually challenged to comprehend that people get better at difficult jobs as they become more experienced. As Malcolm Gladwell pointed out: the 60,000 hour rule dictates that after about 20 years we become an expert at the jobs we practice. You clowns need to recognize expertise when you see it and stop penalizing the people who will make you rich.
Creepy red fish cartoon. Chuck the fish lives in the un-chlorinated and brackish water under grandmas pool cover. He likes to eat orange algae and tiny paddle bugs for dindin. It gives him mountains of icky energy to swim around in tight circles to impress and or creep out the beautiful lady fish.
Uncle sam is flying his trusty f‑86 Saber through Korean airspace. This jet is from the era when pilots flew by the seat of their pants and outmaneuvered bad guys within visual range in old fashioned dogfights. I love the 50s. Americans were cool and smart back then and the USA was the king of the world. People forget that North Korea and China invaded the South to start the Korean war. I find it odd that 86 is American slang for getting rid of something and that 86 is also the phone code for dialing China.